It’s hard to accept that work is turning into a grind.
I want it to be exciting, or at least rewarding. I want to find my passion in my job, and in the friendships I have there. But the past two weeks have been increasingly stressful and demanding. Today was a flat out grind, and I was so grateful when 5pm rolled around. I didn’t have a bounce in my step as I left, nor a smile ready when I got into the car with my Lady. Carrier’s making things difficult is part of it, but also the fact that we are understaffed and I know it’s going to get bad, really bad next month.
Cause you know, the guy behind the scenes that does a lot of the claim stuff and data entry is done, gone, in three weeks. And another co worker will be gone at the end of May on maternity leave for at least a few weeks. And summer is our busy time. I don’t know how we are going to survive.
I feel guilty sometimes, for not staying late, for walking out that door at 5pm when I know Rockstar and Bitch take stuff home, work on the weekends, when they drive themselves to that point. But the fact is I’m not willing to give up my time with my Lord, my Lady, my friends or my yoga practice. I’m not willing to sacrifice myself for my job, and yet I feel so defeated that I can’t ever get on top of it. It’s incredibly hard to let go of that need to finish things, to accept that I can’t do everything.
But I’m working on it. I even meditated during lunch today hoping it would help, I think it did, a bit.
The last bit of difficulties with Ms. TARDIS are done now, I have her blocked in every way possible and am trusting to Legally Sinful to advise me best from here. Part of me is wigged out with fear still that it might go to court, that I should have just paid the money and been done with it. But it’s her trying to use me, and I won’t do that anymore, I won’t cower, I won’t be walked on. Apparently everyone else expected her to contact LS, except for me, and I’m working on letting go of that fear.
I’m sick of fear being everywhere in my life.
It’s like once I chose that for my guna [qualities of nature] to be my incredibly tamasic [negative/dark/harming] quality I have been forced to see how much it shapes my life in some ways. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth to realize that as far as I’ve come I’m still grinding against the same old wounds. I’m shaped in that fear, mostly the fear of not being good enough, of being unworthy, of being unlovable. I’ve confronted that lately with everything that happened with Ms. TARDIS, with struggling at the thought of being behind or bad at my job, at the thought of being a bad person for not being able to do things I thought I could to help others. I know that I’m judging myself harshly, that most people aren’t kept awake at night wondering if they are bad or good, if they deserve love.
It’s something we are born with a birth right to, aren’t we? Only… for so long I was wrapped around in the words of those who said I wasn’t, not unless I earned it, I showed that I merited love. It’s weird to realize I fear that people will fall out of love with me because of the most inane things, but it’s a truth. And I don’t just casually think about these things, I end up obsessing over them.
I’m glad that I am planning to go back to my studio for the challenge next month, I’m glad to be planning to revitalize my yoga practice, to let myself turn it into a moving meditation. I’m seeking to find my balance, or at least be okay with wobbling again. I keep telling myself that life is not a straight path, it’s a Gordian’s Knot, really, and one day I’m sure that will sink in. And really, I don’t have much to complain about in the end, things are going well and down, under all this angsty, self doubting crap that has made me finally admit I need a therapist, I am still very content and hopeful. Just one day I hope I’ll feel like I’m flying instead of stuck on railroad tracks revisiting the same old fears.