When We’re Together ~ Joshua Radin
I often worry about how our marriage and relationships will skew Alex’s views of the world. (I am a gay woman married to a man. We have been in an openly polyamorous marriage since our son was 8. He just turned 13.)
Well, this made me smile…
The song Hey Jude came on my iPod while in the car on…
My Lady just left, to go home not long ago.
My bed was left a battle ground of jumbled nail polish bottles, discarded cartons and rumpled blanket from our time. We just painted nails and watched Buffy. Hardly the crazy lesbian sex I once imagined, that I still sometimes crave. But that collection of things is us, the laughter, the words shared. To her I can bare my whole heart, and in her companionship find support. Not validation, because that’s my own to make, to hold, to have. But she eases me, soothes me.
I asked her to a ballet for our fourth anniversary, Swan Lake in fact. For her birthday I will be getting her a flogger, and I write this here because she knows it all already. I’ve found it’s best to simply communicate my ideas with her and make sure they are something she’ll actually like. And not something she’s already bought for herself.
Surprises don’t last long in our relationship, as I’m incapable of keeping any thought from her for long.
I like that though. How there is no need to dissemble about even the smallest of things. That honesty is the core of us, truly. And with her I can face concerns I might not elsewhere. I know I worry her sometimes, my protective Lady Love. She would shield me from any possible harm, if she could and have it still be healthy. But it wouldn’t be, and she can’t, so we work to find a balance. She startled me tonight by saying no one is good enough for me in her eyes, not even her or my Lord. I laughed, amazed she thought I had right to such high standards.
To this day I still can’t believe she chose me.
But that’s what Tuesday’s are, really. Sharing, laughing, at least one kiss. I touch her less lately, because she hurts and I hate the thought of hurting her with my touch. I’m grateful our relationship is so much more than sex, but sometimes I worry that when I do want sex she’ll hurt and then how do I voice that desire? She laughed at me and said she would just have to teach my Lord how to do things right and enjoy the show. It’s a valid point of a blessing for a triad relationship.
I made her so happy, doing art again this past weekend. Planning to do it again soon. And it astounds me, how she can find so much wonder and inspiration and joy in my half finished things. I don’t feel as if I have ever really finished, well anything. I didn’t finish school, I’ve never finished any of my longer projects since school, never finished a book I started to write or… I’m a queen of half finished, of messy, of complicated and whimsy. And yet that’s what she wants. Or rather she wants me and she sees the wonder in what I do present. I love that about her.
I miss her, always, when she goes. And think of things I wish I had done or said, wish I had made her laugh more, start counting the days till I can see her again. Happily it’s just two, as Friday night is triad date. And I see her again on Saturday. I sigh wistfully over the moments, but don’t hoard them, my life is too full to do so. It’s been so much work to get here, but even with that work every moment I’m with her is a blessing.
I’m so smitten.
Sometimes I get a touch insecure when followers go up and down so much. Like lose three, gain two, lose three, gain four. It’s just…weird. Do I upset people? I mean, in the end it doesn’t really matter, this is my blog and I’ll write for myself [well and for my Lady and my Lord because they apparently have gotten far too use to seeing inside my thoughts] but it does… I don’t know, make me wonder why.
I was so focused on Ahimsa, non violence, that I didn’t think about Asteya much until today when I was dealing with day two of a vicious headache. The origin of which was entirely my own doing. That pretty yoga pose I was so proud of? Yes, I strained my neck too far, my neck I know has issues and created muscle tension that’s still bothering me. What a juxtaposition from the way I felt after Thursday night’s class. I was so happy, to at peace with my body, so intune with it. I had made myself slow down, pay heed and go with my breath.
In TreeYoga sometimes, or a faster paced class, it’s easy for me to lose that focus. To reach for a goal, to try and accomplish a pretty pose. Nearly all my frustration or pain in yoga has come from attempting more difficult poses. It’s like I don’t know how to pace myself. I get greedy, hungry for it even though my body reminds me that I’m not there yet.
But I reached too far, and I pushed when I knew when I should have backed off. And have dealt with the consequences of ignoring that inner voice.
I guess it’s human nature to want to reach, to grasp for that sense of accomplishment. Only, I don’t feel nearly as accomplished as I did after the class on Thursday now. And I know being upset or frustrated with myself is just being too attached to the outcome. Yogic principles are hard to practice within myself. Seriously. I struggle on a daily basis to be kind to myself, to be honest with myself without turning that honesty into a sword. Sometimes I want to just give up and go back to just working on the asana, because that alone is challenge enough. But I won’t, because I know I’ll be better for this, eventually. I will be treating myself with a lot of care this week though, and being mindful. My version of self care tonight has involved spending some time with Miss to unwind, and now blogging while wearing the T shirt my Lord gave me of his, with my knee high socks and just feeling relaxed and smiling.
It’s all a practice, and as long as I’m trying that’s what matters. Tomorrow I’ll kick ass at work, hang out with Miss afterward and cook some. Tuesday means seeing my Lady Love. Wednesday and Thursday mean yoga. And then a triad date on Friday. And plans with Jewel in the morning on Saturday followed by dinner with my brother and sister in law to be and my Lady and my Lord. It will be a good week, full of love and laughter.
In yoga there are poses I just can’t do yet, not even remotely. Most of them are arm/hand balances as I work on building up upper body strength and the like. Scorpion is one of the poses I lust over, which I know isn’t particularly yoga like, what with non attachment but I’ve wanted to do it since I first started yoga. When my Lady Love and my Lord Captain and I went away to Austin for our anniversary and spent time in the pool I managed to do it in the water. A friend posted a picture of someone doing Scorpion in a silk hammock so I went to Charity and asked if it was possible to do it in TreeYoga.
Of course her answer was yes, and she made my dream come true today.
It was a typical class to start. The normal stretches, some amazing hamstring work, and I love those early Saturday morning classes with her. It was totally worth dragging myself out of bed this morning even with going to bed late last night. I love yoga in general, clearly, but Treeyoga challenges me, teaches me to trust my body, supports me but also makes me very aware of where I am and what I can do. She made me do crunches in the straps before going upside down and then slowly cued into it.
It’s a dangerous pose to do with just two straps instead of four, so we had to be careful that I didn’t slip out and it was so challenging. I worked on just my hand placement for awhile, and then brought my legs down, arching and arching and it felt amazing, head rush inducing and heart pounding. Charity snapped a picture of me in the pose, knowing I’d want one.
When I got home and got to look at it I paused, remembering the rush, but also seeing my body in a new way. My arms aren’t quite in the proper position and eventually I’ll get that right but the thing is… I’ve been struggling lately with some massive body issues. I’ve felt fat, unable to believe people when they comment on my losing weight. Yesterday I felt good, in my jeans, black tank top, a cute little jacket with double rows of buttons and knee high leather boots. This morning I felt incredible, powerful. And seeing this picture I can see the changes in my body as well. I can see the strength. And looking at this picture I think my body is sexy.
I’ll keep seeking out challenges, and I certainly hope to do this again soon. I’m planning to work on building up more upper body strength but also on making sure I have time alone. It’s a challenge to balance everything I want to do, and to not judge myself for what I think I can or can not do. But the thing is.. when I get out of my own way, when I let go of those expectations I can do amazing things.
Is where I want to be.
Everything I’ve been struggling with on and off this week was perfect today. I got into work, focusing and working hard. I got a lot done, and while I made a few missteps socially I also had a moment of growth. Rockstar forgets about crap after it’s done and gone, she doesn’t hold onto things. I had been feeling a bit shy and focused on work, so I ended up apologizing and promising I wasn’t avoiding her because of yesterday. She had blinked in surprise and mentioned she hadn’t even been thinking about that at all, just making a joke about her water cup. I love that about her. I love that she’s so straight forward, that she lets go so readily. I came back later and asked if she had ever seen the Jungle Book by Disney, she nodded, and I broke out into song of “I want to be like yooooou oh oh..” which had her break down laughing.
I love making her laugh. I love being able to be honest and open with her. I love how she inspires me to work harder, and how she’s always made it clear that she likes me, weird and different and special. That she values that. Cherishes it even, in a completely platonic way. There’s a level of acceptance with her and Bitch that still sort of astounds me sometimes.
After work it was time for yoga, and I had set my heart on going to try it at the local Asian Art collection, which Yogaguy was happy to do with me. We headed off right after work, getting caught in traffic a few times but we made it in time. And it was gorgeous, so beautiful today. We practiced in a room full of priceless jade, on marble floors, with a teacher who is one of Charity’s graduates, in other words, alumi for the program I’m going through. It was one of the best classes I’ve ever taken.
It was challenging, in that we were within a room with windows inside a gallery that people sometimes looked through, there were voices, no music. It was different. I had to stay present more. It was a gentle class, and far more gentle than I was use to, building up steadily to each step. She made everything so accessible, so open and guided us in steadily deeper back bends. I didn’t break a sweat the whole class but I feel like it was the most intense, muscle wise, class I’ve ever done. It was amazing, coming to after. And she went slow enough that I had to make myself slow down, that I was able to really link with my breath. I’m falling in love with gentle style yoga, with yoga that unfurls like a blossom, inviting you deeper.
We hung out afterward a bit, admiring the jade, chatting with her. She inspires me a lot. And then we stopped by YG’s apartment in this old mansion in a historical district and it was this eclectic bohemian feeling place. I have so much apartment envy over him right now, it’s only $130 more a month than what I pay really and it’s two living room areas, a neat little kitchen, bathroom and a gorgeous bedroom. Hard wood floors, the walls that make me think of one of the dorms I stayed in when I went to art school in San Francisco. Old building. There were stacks of canvases, a draft table full of sketches, icons and paintings everywhere, CDs and books too. It was really very neat. It’s way too far away from where I live for anything like that to be feasible but man, envy.
After that we grabbed dinner at one of my favorite places and I was really and truly hungry. I feel alive, amazing, my lower back very happy for the first time in ages. I feel bright and giddy about seeing both my Lady and my Lord tomorrow. I feel like I’m reopening connections with Messire and ma Belle. I feel just… good, about life in general. Like I’m getting a handle on things.
My yoga practice moves me, the loves in my life, myriad and amazing, astound me. My life is littered with blessings and when I show up, when I’m present and not obsessing over the past, future or what other people are thinking I get to just be… happy.
Right here. At happy.
Still not a morning person. Meditation isn’t happening, so we’ll aim to do it tonight. Hopefully. Going to do yoga at a museum tonight, super excited for that. Hoping today my emotions are more grounded and less all over the place.